My body’s nobody’s body but mine

22 May

The gaps in posting can be attributed mostly to my summer class schedule, which is kind of intense, and also because yay mental health downturn! (This is an ineffective joke, probably.) But I am trying not to fall too far behind. So here we go.

(I’m hoping someone gets the reference in the title.)

I have never been particularly comfortable with mirrors. I’ve had a complicated relationship with my hair my entire life, and I’m on the shorter end of the bell curve having topped out a little over 5’2”, my weight, and of course, the dysphoria around my chest, though for most of my life I didn’t realize the feeling for what it was.

There’s also the overactive imagination thing where historically, looking into a mirror for too long prompted “What if someone’s watching me from the other side?” and “What if something in there is going to eat my soul?” but that’s an entirely different post.

Lately I have been catching glimpses of my reflection in mirrors and seeing … well … me.

I don’t see my hair, or my weight, or the condition of my skin, or my chest. I just see me. And usually I’m pretty amused, because this is a new face I’m seeing: not female me, but neutral-gender me, who looks kind of like a fourteen-year-old boy, how about that. And that’s entirely a mental shift, since I’m not binding and I didn’t magically flatten my chest recently.

Basically, it’s nice to be able to see someone who feels like me in the mirror. Since that’s never really happened to me before. I feel like I’m slowly reclaiming my body for me, when I’ve been trying to make it into someone else for years because I thought that was my only option.

Who knew how nice it could be to feel connected to your own body?


2 Responses to “My body’s nobody’s body but mine”

  1. TomboySissie May 27, 2011 at 5:31 PM #

    I know the feeling. Mirrors (and photographs) have always terrified me. I never saw myself in them, just some stranger. But now I’m beginning to see me – not quite the me I want to be, but at least I’m getting closer.

    I think, for me, it’s having a self-identity that’s nice. I never really knew who I was (or what I was, I suppose), until fairly recently, and I never felt connected to my body or my life. But now, I know what I want, what I need, and I can see the good things about my body, rather than just the bad.

    • ace eccentric May 27, 2011 at 8:05 PM #

      Photographs was something I hadn’t thought of, but that strikes a chord with me too. I don’t have a lot of recent photos of myself but the ones I do have feel more like me.

      “I never felt connected to my body or my life.” I haven’t felt connected to my body before, either, and I’m just beginning to really recognize the level of disconnect I’ve had with myself for basically my whole life. It’s like, “Oh! … People actually can feel connected to their bodies!” It’s a startling but kind of amazing revelation. And it is very nice to see good things about your body.

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