Transition Plans

3 Jun

I am neutrois, which means I don’t feel connected to male or female genders or androgyny, and that I also feel gender dysphoria. Medical science, having progressed past the barber slash surgeon stage, has a few options available to me to alleviate this dysphoria.

My plans are mostly dreams at this point. I don’t have anything concrete, because my entire future is a little uncertain at the moment. Among other things, I’m not sure where I’ll be living next month. It’s also hard to tell whether I’ll be able to keep up the full-time-student thing or whether I’ll drop a class and pick up a part-time job, the latter of which would push my graduation date. Then I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to actually move and settle into a new city and a new job in a new part of the country. I’ve come to believe that cross-country moves are not an easy endeavor.

So there’s a lot of things in the air, is what I’m saying. I do have some mental sketches for how my transition is going to progress, though. Graduate at the end of 2012, work for two years, move in with Girlfriend Drake, get top surgery sometime in 2015.

I don’t particularly want to put it off for four years, but I feel like that’s how long it’s going to take to save the money and have a comfortable place to recuperate in.

Some of the things I’m most excited about after top surgery are getting to sleep comfortably shirtless, if I feel so inclined, not ever having to shop for another bra (unless I decide to do a really elaborate drag costume), being able to wear vests, not having creepy men stare at my chest when I walk by, not feeling like I’m walking around with a water safety floater around me, and being more comfortable hugging people.

I don’t remember a time when I haven’t wanted to minimize or alter my chest. I refused to acknowledge I had developed until my mom said “You need a bra” one day when I was running down the driveway.

I have no idea how, but in high school I found a website with lots of before-and-after top surgery photos and used to gaze longingly at it for hours. But I thought I wasn’t entitled to want that, because I knew I wasn’t a guy. (And had never learned about gender, really, so had no conception that there were things outside the binary, or that a woman might want the type of body brought about by this surgery.)

After that, I vaguely resigned myself to someday obtaining a breast reduction. Although I’ve also heard stories from people trying to obtain breast reductions about their nurses and doctors telling them they don’t actually want to go as small as they say they do, that they should stay a larger (more socially attractive) size, so it’s not like that would’ve been a guarantee either.

One of the reasons I cried when I found Neutrois the website, and neutrois the word, was because of the talk about dysphoria. How it was real, and not just an unfounded feeling about your body. How other people felt this way. How it was legitimate.

And lo, thus did arise the possibility of top surgery yet again. And with it the possibility of feeling comfortable in my body.

The only other procedure I’m seriously considering is the permanent removal (or semi-permanent, I don’t know how long these things last for) of body hair with lasers or electricity or however the kids are doing it these days. Possibly by the time I can afford it, it will be accomplished through the sheer force of will of a psychic doctor in a secluded Nevada medical facility.

The hair doesn’t really bother me most of the time, though I do have a preference for not having it. It’s the worst when I go into public. It gets very hot where I live. Last semester, buying shorts was a “stop getting heat sick walking to class” necessity. And if I’m shaving my legs, I basically have to shave every day, which is a pain. I’m leaning more towards hair removal than not.

Testosterone might help with the voice dysphoria, but it would also probably cause a lot of other things that I do not want to deal with. Hair growth, increase in sex drive, etc. Also, considering I’m sometimes triggered just by the voices of most of the men in my family, I’m suspicious that changing my voice would make me sound like them. I feel safer sticking with what I have.

I’ve run across no attractive bottom surgery. I have seen diagrams of a bottom surgery that made me feel faint, and that I didn’t feel like I’d get enough benefit from to deal with it. I do not have a huge amount of dysphoria there, so most of the time I try to just not think about it. It would be nice not to have to deal with a menstrual cycle, but I am unsure about going on hormonal birth control.

Right now I don’t want to get a hysterectomy or an oophorectomy, either, because as Girlfriend Drake puts it, we may want to try “that science fiction stuff” to implant my eggs in her to have kids. (I couldn’t go through a pregnancy. I’ve never been able to picture myself pregnant, and I think it would set off the dysphoria pretty badly.) If it turns out to be easier to freeze my eggs and have these procedures during top surgery or something, I may go this route.

What all of this pondering and scheming boils down to is that for me, transition is not an option.

Oh, I’m sure I wouldn’t actually drop dead on the spot if someone told me I could never have it, but I also know that part of the reluctant acceptance I’d have of such a situation comes from having consigned myself to that for years. I already had to accept that fate. I already spent years picturing myself in the future with unsatisfactory options to help myself.

I’m not going back to that place, thank you very much.

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2 Responses to “Transition Plans”

  1. ʎɟɟnןɟ June 30, 2011 at 1:19 PM #

    I’m just glad that this is an issue that enough people are willing to talk about and collaborate on that things can move forward for everyone. I’m in my mid-30s and only now am I able to actually start seriously considering transitioning, despite wanting to since I was 14 and feeling like an alien, because as far as I knew nobody else on the planet felt this way.

    It’ll still take some time for society to catch up, but at least there’s something for society to catch up TO now.

    • ace eccentric July 1, 2011 at 3:08 PM #

      The Internet and even, to some extent, the traditional media landscape has moved forward a lot in the past few yeras, I think. When I first looked for resources on neutrois, I could only find about three websites, and none had a lot of things to read, let alone practical info. Maddox at Neutrois Nonsense suggested I lay out my plans and everything. Hopefully some day my blog will track everything from how I came to identify as neutrois (I’m in the process of writing that) to how I recovered from top surgery. :)

      *nods* The more people who learn what options are out there, maybe the easier those options will be to obtain.

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