Looking into 2012

30 Dec

The theme for this month’s blog carnival is unfulfilled desires as relating to asexuality, the ace community, etc. Because WordPress doesn’t allow you to put just part of a post behind a read-more cut, and some of this needs to be cut, I’ll talk about community first and myself second.

Community

In 2012 I’d like to see the ace communities I’m involved in be able to spend more time talking to each other, and to people interested in real discourse, and less time fending off attacks.

It makes me anxious to even start thinking of all we’ve been through this year, especially the aces, graces, and demis I know on Tumblr. I realize this isn’t really under our control, since there’s nothing we can do about people who just want to argue and rile us up, or the kind of people who don’t want to have conversations and prefer shouting matches — the kind of people who don’t respect us and refuse to try.

But I do wish for us that we can have a year where we get to have good conversations and nobody has to worry about being deliberately triggered or told horrible things about themselves.

I’d also like to see some more creative writing — original or fanfic — come up around the ace spectrum, because I like reading and being able to relate to or see commonalities in what I’m reading. I did write a fanfic prominently featuring asexuality this year, which was well-received by my small fandom, but not wanting to cross my online names I didn’t really promote it … at all.

Not that I need more projects, but it might be interesting to organize an ace fic fest since the one people had been talking about earlier never came to fruition. If I had the time and enough people were interested, I wouldn’t mind doing that.

Or possibly compiling an anthology of original fic, but I have no idea how I’d distribute it. Maybe a free e-book — but everyone contributing would have to be okay with that format, obviously.

Myself

I started this blog because I wanted to be more connected to the community. Because I felt alone, and I was too shy to be commenting on people’s blogs and I wasn’t involved with Tumblr at all, without having some kind of space to do my own writing.

Having this blog has helped me form some connections in the ace community that I never would’ve had otherwise, has introduced me to new contacts, and has shown me that I can actually make some physical transitions to get my body more aligned with my gender.

But you may have noticed I haven’t been updating as much recently.

Trigger Warning for depression and anxiety under the cut.

My living situation, with school and family and finances, is very stressful for various reasons, and over the summer my mental health started taking a downturn. I can’t afford to go to a doctor to get diagnosed, but people in my life who know depression well have backed me up on this.

It’s hard to motivate myself to do even the basics sometimes, so the blog’s suffered some. On a good note, it’s also been months and months since I’ve felt the urge to self-harm, or had intrusive/obsessive thoughts about it.

On a … not so good note… The past week, I’ve identified some mysterious physical symptoms that have been cropping up as anxiety attacks. I would like to have none of those in 2012, but I do not suspect my body will listen to me. At least I know what the uncontrollable weeping, defensiveness, and skyrocketing body temperature is all about now.

What this has to do with my asexuality is that this blog, and writing about myself and my life, is the reason I have a connection to the ace community. I am on Tumblr and I do talk to people through that, but I don’t update Tumblr much. Updating Tumblr makes me feel awkward. I don’t know what to say here. The blog is easier for me to write on — if I can just get the motivation to finish any of the dozen unfinished posts lingering in my writing folder. And writing on the blog is why I feel comfortable enough to engage other people in the community.

So in 2012, I really, really want to get back to it. I want to be a part of the community I’d like to see. I want to contribute to it, in my small way. I don’t want my health to put me on the sidelines.

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4 Responses to “Looking into 2012”

  1. maddox January 3, 2012 at 5:50 PM #

    And I want you to get back to the community, since it takes people to make it happen, and you are the people that are part of it.

    For me writing often helps relieve stress, especially high anxiety. I know it can be quite hard to muss up the motivation, especially when you don’t have any (I’m there right now) but forget about publishing and posting for a moment and just think of it as your release. Write something up, break that worry loop in your mind and work through it.

    Then when you are more motivated you can go back to it, and take the good stuff, and publish it. It always cheers me up when I get an influx of positive feedback afterwards – most especially when people say “I’ve wondered about this too!” I sincerely hope you can find ways to cope, and if writing is one of those ways then all the better.

    Good luck with everything, and hopefully we’ll all be hearing from you very soon and more often!

    • ace eccentric January 5, 2012 at 1:56 AM #

      Which is why I’m glad to see you back too :) Especially since the number of neutrois people I know is something I can count on one hand.

      That might actually help. All the posts I have unfinished, I’ve gotten frustrated with and walked away from because, while I’m writing, I can’t see a point where I’m going to get it publishable, and then I start gnashing my teeth and get fed up and storm off. But maybe if I just treated some things like diary entries I could go back later and pick and choose the parts that could actually be made into posts.

      Thank you. Writing does help; I’m not so good at talking out loud. Hopefully I will get back into posting regularly sometime soon :)

  2. Emerald January 9, 2012 at 9:34 AM #

    I love the idea of an anthology of original ace fiction! I like the idea of some kind of ace fanfic event too, but I don’t write fanfic, so I can’t get quite as excited about that. (I’d definitely read it, though!) I don’t think I’d be up for putting an anthology together by myself, but if you or someone you know were going to do it, I’d be glad to contribute or help edit or otherwise help out!

    • ace eccentric January 9, 2012 at 2:57 PM #

      It looks like someone at asexual_fandom is modding a fanfic challenge after all! But it’s good to know that someone would be interesting in an anthology of original fiction. I need to write more original stuff… I just wonder about the logistics of distribution. I suppose I could look into options. If I learn more about it I’ll definitely update the blog here.

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