Tag Archives: asexuality

What am I willing to share?

1 Jun

A year or two ago, I got into a kick of reading primarily young adult literature over that written for adults. It’s not that I think one is better than the other, but YA lit has the tendency to do a lot more identity-exploring than adult lit, and I find that interesting.

I’m currently crawling through the beginning of writing a book I want to try to get published. This is something I have wanted to do since I was about three years old, so it’s a long time coming. It’s YA, and because I want to write in YA and I like reading there, I’ve started following a fair number of YA-focused blogs. A little for advice, but mostly for book reviews.

(Obligatory recs: Check out YA Highway for general news, reviews, and advice. Intergalactic Academy is awesome for sci-fi reviews. Seriously. Go read it now. Although their light-text-on-dark-background layout may make it easier to read in a feed like Google Reader.)

One of the blogs I follow is Malinda Lo’s, and she just wrote about YA Pride Month. Basically, taking the US’s general Pride Month of June and focusing on it through a lens of YA lit. The part I found most interesting in her post (and that makes it worth mentioning on this blog) is a footnote about how Lo will be interviewing authors writing YA novels with LGBT main characters. The book I am working on now has queer main characters so it caught my eye.

I decided that in my YA Pride series I wanted to mostly invite writers who identify as LGBT to be interviewed or guest post for my site. While I don’t believe one needs to identify as LGBT in order to write about LGBT people, I also feel that there is value in supporting LGBT writers. In the interests of full disclosure, I have had trouble finding transgender-identified YA writers to participate in this series, simply because there are so few of them. I haven’t finished my search for contributors yet, and I may still be able to find a trans YA writer to participate, but if I don’t, the reason is not because I didn’t attempt to find one; it’s because we need more of them.

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Asexual Paneling

18 Apr

I went to my first ace panel! It was at my old undergrad school and Sciatrix was leading it, having organized it through the LGBTQIAetc club there.

There were four of us on the panel, all asexual, and then a fair-sized audience. I didn’t count but I’d think there were at least 40 or 50 people? They could raise their hands and ask questions, or text in questions to an internet account that another club member would read out to us. Either the questions were for specific people or we would go down the line and all give out answers.

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Went to the doctor

29 Mar

Content note: I discuss sex drive in this, in regards to its unpleasantness for me and its presence in psychiatric treatment.

Today I finally had an appointment with a psychiatrist to get on an antidepressant. I’m hoping that it’ll work and I won’t have to try another drug, but I go back in a month to assess how things are going. We’ll see around then whether things have kicked in or not. My main goal for treatment is to be moderately less of a slug than I am now, and to generally not be so sad.

One thing I was delightfully relieved about was that neither the counselor I spoke to nor the psychiatrist asked me how I was feeling sexually. Over the past few months, I read a lot on depression and tried to see if that fit me, and I ended up repeatedly taking self-scoring depression assessments to evaluate how I was feeling over time. A frequent question was something along the line of “have you had a decreased interest in sex?” and once or twice there was even “I do/do not enjoy spending time around and looking at attractive people.”

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Stereotypical

25 Jan

I stopped watching House a long time ago for various reasons. But since I’m on Tumblr to be involved with the ace community there, it would’ve been hard for me not to hear about the other night’s episode.

Spoilers beyond this point and warning for ace stereotypes and medicalization of asexuality

Here’s a summary of the episode from an AVEN user. There was an eye-rolling-looking emoticon at the end but I can’t copy the animation and don’t know how to type it out. Also if you click the link, you have to click “Show” to show the spoiler text in the comment.

A lady with a bladder infection attracts the attention of House, who tries to prove that she and her husband aren’t really asexual. Watson stops him, so House investigates the husband, who turns out to have a tumor causing his lack of libido. Treating it, which is necessary for him to live, but make him sexual. The wife ends up revealing that she lied about her asexuality because she likes sex (Because all asexuals are repulsed).

I’m amused at the Watson/Wilson mixup but I will also say — I don’t care that Wilson said House was wrong at the beginning of the episode. The final impression left about asexuality isn’t going to be a couple of minutes at the beginning of the episode, it’s going to be how the episode wraps up. The conclusions that the brilliant Dr. House reaches about asexuality. That’s what people will take away. When House disproved the asexual characters, he also disproved Wilson.

There are so, so many things wrong here. The writer of the episode responded to criticism on Twitter. But that doesn’t really make it better.

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Looking into 2012

30 Dec

The theme for this month’s blog carnival is unfulfilled desires as relating to asexuality, the ace community, etc. Because WordPress doesn’t allow you to put just part of a post behind a read-more cut, and some of this needs to be cut, I’ll talk about community first and myself second.

Community

In 2012 I’d like to see the ace communities I’m involved in be able to spend more time talking to each other, and to people interested in real discourse, and less time fending off attacks.

It makes me anxious to even start thinking of all we’ve been through this year, especially the aces, graces, and demis I know on Tumblr. I realize this isn’t really under our control, since there’s nothing we can do about people who just want to argue and rile us up, or the kind of people who don’t want to have conversations and prefer shouting matches — the kind of people who don’t respect us and refuse to try.

But I do wish for us that we can have a year where we get to have good conversations and nobody has to worry about being deliberately triggered or told horrible things about themselves.

I’d also like to see some more creative writing — original or fanfic — come up around the ace spectrum, because I like reading and being able to relate to or see commonalities in what I’m reading. I did write a fanfic prominently featuring asexuality this year, which was well-received by my small fandom, but not wanting to cross my online names I didn’t really promote it … at all.

Not that I need more projects, but it might be interesting to organize an ace fic fest since the one people had been talking about earlier never came to fruition. If I had the time and enough people were interested, I wouldn’t mind doing that.

Or possibly compiling an anthology of original fic, but I have no idea how I’d distribute it. Maybe a free e-book — but everyone contributing would have to be okay with that format, obviously.

Myself

I started this blog because I wanted to be more connected to the community. Because I felt alone, and I was too shy to be commenting on people’s blogs and I wasn’t involved with Tumblr at all, without having some kind of space to do my own writing.

Having this blog has helped me form some connections in the ace community that I never would’ve had otherwise, has introduced me to new contacts, and has shown me that I can actually make some physical transitions to get my body more aligned with my gender.

But you may have noticed I haven’t been updating as much recently.

Trigger Warning for depression and anxiety under the cut.

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Asexual and neutrois

30 Oct

Although there were about eight years between the time I started identifying as asexual and when I started identifying as neutrois, I don’t think I could separate my asexuality from my gender, now.

But first I have to talk about how being asexual tied into my identification as neutrois. And I can see this post getting rather sprawling, so I’m going to attempt to use headings. I’m also going to put a cut, because this is kind of a long post.

(Warning: I talk about physical sex and sex drive in here, though not in much detail.)

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Writing porn while asexual

9 Sep

One of the things about being in a small fandom where there’s often opportunities to say “prompt me” is that I get a fair amount of prompts, which my guilt superpower then makes me feel compelled to write.

Note: this post discusses writing porn, although in general terms instead of anatomical ones. But because people scrolling through this blog are more likely to be repulsed than in other areas of the Internet, I’m putting the rest of it under a cut.

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Carnival of Aces 5: Round-Up Post

1 Sep

Hey everyone! The fifth edition of A Carnival of Aces turned out pretty well, I think. We’ve got a lot of pondering about trends in media, specific characters, and even a couple of original fiction pieces.

Overall, it seems like there’s a long way to go and a lot to be desired from the media in terms of ace umbrella representation. But people are also thinking about it a lot — and that makes me think that the future media landscape will be a lot better for all of us.

You can still submit! I’ll add things to the round-up as long as you give me the link.

eowynjedi unearthed an original piece of writing about the character Silfren Aesculeus, who reflects on not falling in romantic love.

Carmilla DeWinter wrote about the concerns involved in writing H, an asexual aromantic character. Also in German/Deutsche here. (TW for instance of ableist language.)

Sciatrix laments how the creators of characters perceived as asexual react badly to others talking about the character being asexual.

veerserif discusses asexual fandom (not asexual_fandom, the DW community), interpreting characters, and awareness. (TW for instance of ableist language.)

Norah talks about the Dragon Age games, interpreting ace characters, and regrettably automatically-sexual romances.

nami_roland wants media that lets aromantics in from out of the cold, and esteems non-romantic love and non-romantic relationships.

pippin wrote Love and Punch, an aromantic retelling of Beauty and the Beast.

Emily rewatches and muses on Fruits Basket, and thinks there’s room in it to easily see a queerplatonic relationship or two. (TW for animated icon.)

psyche2332 wrote about aromantic media representation and the question, “Why is it not okay to not want romance?”

Elizabeth talks about asexuals in non-fiction, specifically creative non-fiction, and the beginning of a memoir.

And I picked apart a plot device (which involved glowing based on your sexual/romantic orientation) and its many unanswered questions.

Overthinking fanfic devices

21 Aug

I’m using the Carnival of Aces as an excuse to post this odd thing I’ve had written up forever but always thought was too ridiculous to post. *cough*

Recently I read a fanfic where people start to glow blue if they like men, pink if they like women, and purple if they’re bi or pan. The plot device made me think for a far longer time than was probably intended.

For bi and pan people, there was no indication that people would be a redder or bluer purple if they leaned more heavily in one direction, especially if that direction was nonbinary. Could you be a purpler purple? If you were solely attracted to nonbinary individuals, or agender/genderless people, would you glow an entirely different color?

But, aside from that, I wondered mostly about how asexual spectrum people and/or aromantics would glow.

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What’s Important

20 Jul

During my last semester of undergrad, my roommate had the habit of bringing five or six people over to our room and having very loud conversations about … stuff. Eventually she stopped that because I kept getting annoyed and asking them to move somewhere else so I didn’t have to step over people to get to my printer or books (i.e. literally two feet to the left in our suite’s private living room).

There was one particular person who was over all the time who had a wide array of offensive opinions — and who I found out later, even my roommate didn’t actually like. Since she lived in our suite, though, it was kind of hard to get rid of her. Most of the time I just tried to ignore her. Especially since she rarely talked to me. But it’s hard, when someone is sitting three feet from you on the other side of our room, to ignore everything they’re saying.

Warning for questioning the validity of relationships, specifically relationships without sex.

One of the times that made me the most uncomfortable was when there were, again, five or six people in the room besides me. A couple of people were on the bed, someone had my roommate’s chair, and everybody else was on the floor. (Our room was literally too small to pull an extra chair in there.) One of these people was a guy, I’ll call him Guy. The person who liked to talk, I’ll call Speaker.

Speaker was waxing lyrical about Guy’s long-distance romantic relationship. From what I gathered, Guy was not very close friends with Speaker. Not, then, someone who would confide in her and ask her advice. He had just been talking about his girlfriend when Speaker had to jut in and tell him how she didn’t think this person was really his girlfriend.

Basically her speech boiled down to (with interjections from Guy along the way):

“I know you’ve met offline and then she had to go off to school. But all you’re doing now is writing, talking on video, and talking on the phone. You aren’t touching! You aren’t having sex! It’s not a real relationship. You can’t expect me to treat you like you have a real girlfriend. You can’t have a real relationship if you’re not touching or having sex. That’s just being friends. I can’t believe you’re satisfied with that.”

I’m pretty sure Guy is straight, not asexual, but he was understandably upset. He kept trying to talk to her about how he felt about his girlfriend, and she was just ignoring him. And I was sitting in the corner seething and feeling dizzy and sick and a little scared of Speaker.

This is an assumption that everybody who isn’t in a “normal” romantic relationship has to face. If you’re not having sex, it’s less genuine. Speaker even worked off the assumption that distance and the inability to touch (in any way) dissolved a romantic relationship. I wonder whether a certain type of sex would also be considered necessary for a “real” romantic relationship.

This assumption is also just one of the reasons that I feel like ace continuum people could really contribute to the overall discussion about relationships, and I don’t just mean romantic relationships. While the ace romantic perspective could make people reassess what they count as “real” romantic relationships, I think the aromantic/demiromantic/grey-romantic and just overall ace continuum perspective could make people reassess what kinds of relationships they allow to be counted as important.

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