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Looking into 2012

30 Dec

The theme for this month’s blog carnival is unfulfilled desires as relating to asexuality, the ace community, etc. Because WordPress doesn’t allow you to put just part of a post behind a read-more cut, and some of this needs to be cut, I’ll talk about community first and myself second.


In 2012 I’d like to see the ace communities I’m involved in be able to spend more time talking to each other, and to people interested in real discourse, and less time fending off attacks.

It makes me anxious to even start thinking of all we’ve been through this year, especially the aces, graces, and demis I know on Tumblr. I realize this isn’t really under our control, since there’s nothing we can do about people who just want to argue and rile us up, or the kind of people who don’t want to have conversations and prefer shouting matches — the kind of people who don’t respect us and refuse to try.

But I do wish for us that we can have a year where we get to have good conversations and nobody has to worry about being deliberately triggered or told horrible things about themselves.

I’d also like to see some more creative writing — original or fanfic — come up around the ace spectrum, because I like reading and being able to relate to or see commonalities in what I’m reading. I did write a fanfic prominently featuring asexuality this year, which was well-received by my small fandom, but not wanting to cross my online names I didn’t really promote it … at all.

Not that I need more projects, but it might be interesting to organize an ace fic fest since the one people had been talking about earlier never came to fruition. If I had the time and enough people were interested, I wouldn’t mind doing that.

Or possibly compiling an anthology of original fic, but I have no idea how I’d distribute it. Maybe a free e-book — but everyone contributing would have to be okay with that format, obviously.


I started this blog because I wanted to be more connected to the community. Because I felt alone, and I was too shy to be commenting on people’s blogs and I wasn’t involved with Tumblr at all, without having some kind of space to do my own writing.

Having this blog has helped me form some connections in the ace community that I never would’ve had otherwise, has introduced me to new contacts, and has shown me that I can actually make some physical transitions to get my body more aligned with my gender.

But you may have noticed I haven’t been updating as much recently.

Trigger Warning for depression and anxiety under the cut.

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To-do list

5 Apr

I turned in a very large paper Sunday, which is the reason I didn’t update last week.

Since I’m trying to keep to a vague schedule of once or more a week, I felt obligated to make a note of the hiccup. I thought I’d give a glimpse at what I have planned to try writing about in the nebulous future, although random posts will spring to mind in between, especially since some of these are kind of huge-ish (I feel like being an English major somehow caused me to give myself permission to use words like “huge-ish”) ideas. In no particular order:

– Girlfriend (newly registered at Hermeneutism) has offered to write a post with me sharing both our perspectives about navigating an ace/sexual relationship. Actually, if you have any questions in particular you’d like answered, you can leave a comment here and we’ll see if we have an answer.

– A “coming out” post for Sciatrix’s blog carnival on the subject

– Another few “ace childhood” posts

– Some “neutrois childhood” posts

– An attempt to define romantic attraction, at least in the context of myself

– Some kind of overview of books from my queer YA lit project, if not individual reviews (partly because I don’t have most of the books anymore and wouldn’t be able to quote from them)

Writing as deliberation

23 Mar

Providing a shared context for constructing meaning, documents are the beginning rather than the end of the process of negotiation. Understanding this, Huizinga was particularly critical of the teaching of writing in the States. Writing, he worried, was presented to students as the outcome of deliberation. Whereas, Huizinga maintained, it was really just another part of the deliberative process.

– page 10, The Social Life of Documents, J.S. Brown and P. Duguid. Emphasis mine.

Writing is definitely how I work out the majority of my thoughts (that and lying awake for hours at night). I write. I write the same post over and over again, until I discard it or edit a 5-page document down to 5 paragraphs.

Sometimes the entire thing is the conclusion I reached from spending hours on it, sometimes I start off with my original quandary at the beginning and meander through my thought process to my conclusion. Sometimes I just have to spit things out and go back to them later to figure out what they were. Sometimes I’m soliciting opinions on my problems, and sometimes I’m just trying to update people on how I’m doing.

This works fairly well for me. For various reasons I’m very uncomfortable discussing deep emotional issues with people in person — it’s much easier for me to write them out behind the barrier of a computer screen. Even if I never post my thoughts, I’m still more content after I write, because the process has gotten me to an endpoint or at least a midpoint: less confused, more settled.

While attempting to contribute to public conversation, though, this works against me. I get convinced that I have to keep editing, because I’m convinced only a perfect product is worthy of a post. I’m never satisfied, and a post never goes up, or a comment takes days to write, or a comment never goes up at all.

In formats like WordPress, there aren’t centralized forums where individuals can get to know other individuals. That’s the format I’m used to. In the blogosphere, off of places like Dreamwidth and LiveJournal, it’s not nearly as easy to figure out how to get to know people. It also takes longer to establish yourself: people who read your blog aren’t coming there from a position of having known you for six months in community X.

I am trying to get better. Trying to leave more comments, trying to at least save blog post ideas even if I’m convinced there is no way I will ever get them ready for publication. Because I know in the asexual blog world (and I guess the neutrois blog world too), there just aren’t that many people, and I can’t let my anxieties eat my words. I started this blog because I felt obligated to contribute to asexual media. I can’t do that if I’m too afraid to let my writing show that it’s a “deliberative process” — if I’m trying to show it only “as the outcome of deliberation”.

Promise I’ll try to at least fix the typos, though.


26 Jan

I’ve been thinking about starting a blog about asexuality and the experiences that I have being an asexual person since December, and it’s taken me a while to come up with a name. “ace space” was actually already taken (there were pictures of cows, when I checked), so while “asexual space” doesn’t have the benefit of rhyming, it was available, and accomplishes nearly the same thing. I suspect most people will read the link as A Sexual Space, though.

The idea of writing about asexuality alternatively fills me with excitement and dread. I do have things I want to muse on. While my friends who know about it are supportive, it’s not quite the same as discussing asexuality with someone who really understands where you’re coming from. In that vein, this isn’t really going to be a 101 space, partially because writing 101 makes me feel like shit. An emotion which I may eventually talk about.

The dread comes at the thought of violating my standard operating procedure of being relatively silent in public spaces. Since I’m not a very talkative person, and since I know (and I don’t even know them that well) a grand total of two asexual people, I’m hoping this blog will help me get more comfortable with myself. Which hasn’t really been a problem before, but some recent gender revelations have put me in a position where I know I’ll need to go to therapy at some point in the near future. I want to have explored some more stuff before I go in.

And, now that I’m older, I’m noticing things about the world that I didn’t notice in seventh grade. Such as the lack of asexual literature out there, which made me flounder a bit when I went looking. I’m not really an AVEN person, for a variety of reasons, and as horrifying as the prospect of putting myself into a public arena is, I would like to be a part of the asexual community. I think this is a decent way to do it.