Tag Archives: girlfriend

Asexual Paneling

18 Apr

I went to my first ace panel! It was at my old undergrad school and Sciatrix was leading it, having organized it through the LGBTQIAetc club there.

There were four of us on the panel, all asexual, and then a fair-sized audience. I didn’t count but I’d think there were at least 40 or 50 people? They could raise their hands and ask questions, or text in questions to an internet account that another club member would read out to us. Either the questions were for specific people or we would go down the line and all give out answers.

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Being in an ace/sexual relationship

9 Apr

This is a long post, but Girlfriend, otherwise known as Ashley, offered to have a conversation with me about being in an asexual/sexual relationship, and we found a few things to discuss. Lots of this is, of course, unique to us. But since the number of available accounts are so small, any addition to the conversation helps build a wider picture.

A vague overview of what we talked about: how we experience romantic attraction, how she experiences sexual and aesthetic attraction, how we experienced our friendship with both of us being in love with the other but not knowing, and not having the cultural sexual cues to work off of, navigating sex and consent, and a question from Maddox about how we ‘came out’ to each other in regards to sexuality and gender. Also, we occasionally lapse into sap.

You know me, but I thought I’d introduce you to Ashley. Ashley is also a student, and preparing to major in East Asian languages and religious studies in college. She’s recently started Hermeneutism, where she plans to discuss philosophy, religion, gender, sexuality, and fashion, among other things. She’s a polysexual (attracted to many genders, but not all) genderqueer femme, and we’ve known each other for several years now. She enjoys discussing politics, cooking, and assures me her attraction to Stephen Colbert is no threat to our relationship.

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My full name

15 Mar

I have been going by the short version of my name for a few months now, which for the purposes of anonymity I’m going to say is Alex as opposed to Alexandra (neutral as opposed to feminine). The other day I was filling out yet another online form, which asked for my “full name.” I reflexively typed Alexandra.

Then I felt hot all over, and vaguely sick, and started at the blank for much longer than necessary before saying “Fuck it!” and changing it to Alex. I immediately felt a bit better … but the uneasy feeling lingered for several hours.

This is the first time my dysphoria has been triggered by my full name. In this situation, I had the benefit of not really needing to put my full name, because it wasn’t asking for the name on my credit card or my social security card. It was just an online poll and potential gift card win.

But this isn’t the usual situation. In most situations where I’ll be asked to write my name on a form, I’m going to have to put my full legal name. Apparently I’m going to be tripping over dysphoria every time I have to fill out an official form.

I would go out and change it this year, but I’m moving in with Girlfriend in a few years, and we’ve already decided to change our names when we move in together. I don’t want to have to change my social security card, bank info, etc., twice in such a short amount of time. I guess I could go ahead and hyphenate my last name with hers, but I was looking forward to doing it alongside her.

My impression of the process is that it’s not that difficult, legally, although there’s tons of paperwork. I assume that because I’m just shortening my name, rather than changing it entirely or to a definitively masculine name, it will be easier to convince a judge to let me change my first name. Since Girlfriend and I will most likely be living in a liberal area, I also assume getting our last names hyphenated without a marriage certificate will not be that difficult.

I know that others do not have those privileges, and I feel awful knowing some people must face transphobic judges. I know I also have an easy time of getting people to call me Alex and don’t have to fight about it. My family has been doing it for years, and my offline friends were mostly just slightly confused and then accepting because hey, it’s still kind of the name they’ve always been calling me.

Which makes the road easier, for me. Hopefully it won’t be too long until the paperwork issue is also sorted out, and I have one less thing to trigger the dysphoria.

Happy 14th!

14 Feb

Happy Valentine’s Day (evening)! This is my first year ever with a Valentine (hello, darling) but I’ve kind of mildly celebrated the holiday every year anyway because it’s my birthday. ;)

I wanted to give a shout-out to Girlfriend because without her, this blog wouldn’t be here. She’s a completely amazing person who’s made me way more comfortable with myself and with the idea of speaking in public. She also gave me the name for the site, which I think I spent about two months on and probably would’ve spent six months on otherwise.

I’m not going to claim to be an expert on dating while ace. Girlfriend knew I was ace about three months after we first started talking. We met online; I have the benefit of actually being able to Gmail search our early communications. There was pretty much no courtship period for us — at least no formal period. It was basically three years of friendship, eventually mixed with mutual pining and perceptions that the other wouldn’t want to be in a romantic relationship, until Girlfriend was unreasonably brave and told me her feelings.

My only advice is communicate. It’s just been a few weeks, and we’re in a LDR right now — and will be for the next two years, probably — but we’ve already had several very frank conversations about a lot of different things. And there’s a lot of stuff we wouldn’t have known about each other if we’d skipped over talking about it, even as well as we already knew each other.

Perhaps next year I will have more relationship gems of wisdom to share.