Tag Archives: pride

My body’s nobody’s body but mine

22 May

The gaps in posting can be attributed mostly to my summer class schedule, which is kind of intense, and also because yay mental health downturn! (This is an ineffective joke, probably.) But I am trying not to fall too far behind. So here we go.

(I’m hoping someone gets the reference in the title.)

I have never been particularly comfortable with mirrors. I’ve had a complicated relationship with my hair my entire life, and I’m on the shorter end of the bell curve having topped out a little over 5’2”, my weight, and of course, the dysphoria around my chest, though for most of my life I didn’t realize the feeling for what it was.

There’s also the overactive imagination thing where historically, looking into a mirror for too long prompted “What if someone’s watching me from the other side?” and “What if something in there is going to eat my soul?” but that’s an entirely different post.

Lately I have been catching glimpses of my reflection in mirrors and seeing … well … me.

I don’t see my hair, or my weight, or the condition of my skin, or my chest. I just see me. And usually I’m pretty amused, because this is a new face I’m seeing: not female me, but neutral-gender me, who looks kind of like a fourteen-year-old boy, how about that. And that’s entirely a mental shift, since I’m not binding and I didn’t magically flatten my chest recently.

Basically, it’s nice to be able to see someone who feels like me in the mirror. Since that’s never really happened to me before. I feel like I’m slowly reclaiming my body for me, when I’ve been trying to make it into someone else for years because I thought that was my only option.

Who knew how nice it could be to feel connected to your own body?

Pride

7 Apr

One of the things about being a very small and newly recognized sexuality and gender is that I do not have a lot of media to turn to, informational and otherwise. And when I find good media, I get very emotional and excited.

Before starting this blog and discovering Neutrois Nonsense, the only neutrois stories I had were a few very sad ones from the Experience Project. Before discovering the word neutrois and some information about it, all I had was a vague sense of being unhappy in my body and assuming that the reason I didn’t connect strongly with female characters was because I was asexual. And before I learned that other people used the word asexual, I thought that the descriptor I had come up with for my sexuality was a joke.

So media, especially positive media, is very important for me when it comes to exploring myself and my identity. Even when I was already sure of my identity (I was sure I was asexual, I just also thought I was a freak of nature), having positive media an act as a confirmation, or a sounding board, or just a sign that you’re not alone in the universe. Even if you choose not to interact with anyone (I went maybe 5 years without talking to any other asexual people after a less than a year at AVEN), it can be comforting to know they’re out there.

Pride symbols are great things. I don’t think, before I started exploring my identity more, and more importantly before I started trying to find some kind of community, that I really understood pride symbols. I knew people used them, but I didn’t understand how bolstering they could be, how reassuring.

For various reasons, I do not use AVEN’s flag. I don’t currently have an asexual symbol to identify with. I would really like one someday, but so far I haven’t found one, and haven’t thought of one myself. But I do have a genderqueer symbol to identify with. And before I found any other neutrois media, it was reassuring to have this to lean on, it was safe, it was something I could wrap myself up in, like a blanket.

[Image description: A genderqueer pride flag. It is a flag with five equal-sized horizontal stripes. From top to bottom: purple, blue, yellow, pink, and orange.]

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